Day 10. I have chosen to live intentionally toward the goals, dreams and desires God has placed on my heart for the last 90 days of this year, pressing past fear, excuses and discomfort toward fullness of life as we countdown to 2020. Day 10: practicing presence with self.
For me each birthday is an opportunity to reflect on the previous year. This year on December 17th, the process was no different. How have I lived this last year? Did I live and love other’s well? What happened? What brought joy? What brought mourning? Did I really LIVE?
As I dug into these questions, there was one looming question I really had to address, and if I am honest, as a recovering perfectionist and a solid, achieving enneagram 3, it is kinda tough to write about. Well…
HOW DID I LIVE AN ENTIRE YEAR THINKING I WAS ONE YEAR OLDER THAN I AM?
Yes, yes, many of us have moments we forget how many years we’ve been out of school, married, been at a job, or state our age incorrectly, etc. These things happen. But how did I do this for AN ENTIRE YEAR OF MY LIFE?! I knew I needed to process.
What happened this year? It was a year filled with significant transitions, some crises, significant losses and so much good. My way of coping amidst the stress, was to lean in and care for those around me. Is the organization okay? Are the kids okay? Is everyone else okay? What can I do to make sure their feelings and experience are acknowledged so they know they are not alone?
A Year in Review
I transitioned out of a job I had been in for nearly 8 years . A good change, healthy change, but still a change with loss, nonetheless. We also navigated a number of vocational changes with my husband. Our choices involved risk, required stretching faith, but God has been faithful in meeting us.
As I moved into my new career, I coached over 350 women and men, one-on-one, in small group settings and through intimate workshops. What an amazing, life-giving gift to see hope as women and men awaken to working as the “blessed alliance.” Their stories were also heartbreaking.
I traveled to Alaska to learn about the good work God is doing to empower women there and led a workshop on embracing one’s power in leadership—a beautiful trip I am still processing, which opened my eyes to the very, very recent and present atrocities committed to our indigenous brothers and sisters in missionary boarding schools. I was very aware of the atrocities before the trip, but learning from survivors made the nearness of these atrocities very real.
I was diagnosed with cancer, given the all-clear, and then had the all clear revoked. I entered 6 months of limbo regarding next steps. Yes, I am well. They got it all. Now, standard followup.
I had one month of vocal rest after the surgery in which they found the cancer, navigated the healing process and had to face my fears that my voice may not fully heal and public speaking may no longer be a part of my life. Thankfully my voice did heal well, and two months post-surgery, my first speaking engagement was at a World Relief staff, soul-care day—less than 24 hours after my doctor gave me permission to speak publicly. The summer provided other opportunities to encourage people through public speaking also. Truly a great gift for which I am immensely grateful.
I was in the room when Jo Saxton, someone who has deeply impacted my life, spoke at the Global Leadership Summit. I received texts from women and, in particular, women of color, who were encouraged by Jo’s talk because seeing a representation of one’s self on stage in addition to amazing content, really, really matters.
Just as my voice fully healed, I was misinformed my Multiple Sclerosis was out of remission and rapidly progressing. Devastating news, which required push back and months of advocacy to fully clear up and ensure my medical team (all the right players) for this part of my journey were in place. I am fully in remission and thriving.
I navigated my first Thanksgiving without my mama present. I am still acknowledging the change and loss of expectations, dreams that come with aging, and the anger I feel in my grief.
I started a podcast with my friend, Gladys Goeringer—a project we talked about for years. Next week, the Pursuit of Peace Podcast will officially wrap up season 1. In a world that can be discouraging, I feel good about what we are sharing. It is our little way of inviting Shalom at every level: in our lives, our families, our communities and our world.
My children needed me, and I had the margin to respond, to dig deep, to be present and to advocate for them in ways they needed.
I had the margin to take my son to a dance audition, saw him make his first dance company and watched him dance his first show and publicly show off his moon walk.
For the first time in years, I was able to attend every game of my daughter’s volleyball season. This won’t always happen, but this year it did. This year she needed it to happen.
I watched, continue to watch, a beloved family member go toe-to-toe with cancer again. I am humbled by the ways she called me throughout her battle this summer, to check-in on my battles.
As I reviewed my year, the question remained…
How did I live an entire year thinking I was one year older than I am?
With reflection, it was because I began my year over-functioning, over-producing, over-thinking, over, over, over-doing pretty much everything. I lived an entire year thinking I was older than I am because I didn’t slow last year to be present to the needs of my soul regularly, to reflect on the year previously lived or to even really celebrate the gift of another year of life. Instead, I pressed toward Christmas, pressed into the needs of those around me—something good to do, but something not so good to do when you ignore your own emotional, spiritual and physical needs in the process. The truth is, over-functioning and keeping an external focus, even when navigating my own health issues, allowed me to maintain some distance from my fears, my sadness, my longings, my grief. It was a coping mechanism that allowed me to make it through, but it wasn’t coping that invited me to thrive, to really feel and to acknowledge the fullness of who I am in the neat and tidy AND the messy, hard and broken.
When I realized I had lived an entire year thinking I was older, I felt like I had lost a year of my life. But when I calmed down my recovering perfectionist self, I realized I get a birthday do-over. I get to live my 39th year of life “again.” This time, amidst whatever ups and downs, battles and victories that come, I can choose to be present to my physical, emotional and spiritual needs, and in so doing, bring a rested, acknowledged, well-taken care of love and care to others—one that slows instead of over-functions, one that empowers others instead of over-doing it for them, one that is far less anxious and far more present and responds instead of reacts. So, here is to a do-over year dripping with grace, mercy and self-compassion for all that lies ahead! Happy 39th birthday, Kim…again.
Action Steps: Every year, every single day, every moment, is a moment we can chose a “do-over.” Easily angered? Over-working? Not taking care of yourself? Whatever it may be, you get a do-over. There will be another moment in which you can choose patience over easily triggered anger. There will be another moment when you can choose to rest instead of work, trusting it will be okay. There will be another moment where you can choose to schedule a counseling appointment, take a walk to de-stress or drink a glass of water because its good for your body.
Slow and reflect. What patterns in your life need tending to? Is there a default out of which you operate that needs to be released, with self-compassion and mercy, so that you may step toward God’s abundant life for you? Write it down. Pray about it. Share it with a friend. With self-compassion, choose a do-over, and live differently next time. There is grace to try, grace to succeed, grace to fail and grace for another do-over.
Photo Credit: Kim Whetstone, Birthday 2019.