Day 78. I have chosen to live intentionally toward the goals, dreams and desires God has placed on my heart for the last 90 days of 2019, pressing past fear, excuses and discomfort toward fullness of life. Goal: practicing presence.
Six years ago, I went for a walk on a rainy day. My sight was fading, doctors weren’t listening, and I was terrified. I took deep breaths, filling my lungs with crisp Fall air, devoting to memory the smell, feel and sights of technicolor foliage. I slowed and examined, memorizing each leaf and the intricate ways its veins were magnified beneath each rain drop. “Lord, if my sight goes, may I never forget the beauty of this.”
I returned to the warmth of my home and waited for help. Sometimes all you can do is wait and pray. Doctors denied referrals for second opinions, leaving me with the encouraging words, “Well if you go blind, we can do nothing about it. Come back next week if you’re blind.” Calls to our insurance company compounded the discouragement, “Your only option is to get your doctor to write you a referral for a second opinion. Without that, you’ll have to pay out of pocket.” Wait. Pray.
For more than a week, each night, I pulled the covers up to my chin and I wondered, How much of my sight will be left tomorrow? Each night I prayed. Each morning was a gamble. My right eye held a steady haze. However, in my left eye, royal blue faded to baby blue and red faded to pink. and then gray… and then everything turned white. Wait. Pray.
With nowhere left to turn, we called another ophthalmologist. They didn’t wait long enough to hear that our insurance would not cover our visit. They didn’t wait long enough for my husband and I to tell them we had no way to pay. They simply said, “This is an emergency. How soon can you get here?” Wait. Pray. Move.
After three hours of testing, the doctor came to deliver her final report, “There is something very wrong with your vision, but you require an MRI. Stat.” Before we could speak, she paused, closed her eyes, and sat with her pen hovering over my paperwork. Silence. Awkward silence. Wait. Pray.
She opened her eyes, drew a large zero on the page and wrote, “No charge.” She knew nothing of me outside of that paperwork. She knew nothing of my faith. She knew nothing of our prayers for provision. As my eyes filled with tears, we asked her what she was doing. “Praying,” she responded, “God told me not to charge you anything.” Thousands of dollars of testing. No charge. Once she learned of our plight, she became our advocate, calling my doctors, ensuring we had any referrals and tests we needed so my care would fall under the coverage of our insurance. As she advocated and we waited for my MRI, my right eye held the steady haze, while in my left eye, white turned to black, and my vision was gone. Wait. Pray.
ACTION STEPS: Psalm 34:18, tells us that “The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 91 encourages us to find peace, covering and care in God’s presence in times of trouble.
Yesterday, we took a moment to look at loss and life in our lives. Today, reflect on where you have seen God show up in the midst of your troubles and losses, both now and in the past. Write these things down. Talk to God about them.
God doesn’t just care for you once and then cease to move again. No. Again and again, Scripture informs us, “I will be your God, and you will be my people.” No matter how dark your valley or how bright your sun in this season, God is with you, for you and still moving on your behalf. Today, as I reflect, I am present to the God who is already present to me and is present to you also. Wait. Pray. Receive God’s presence.
I took this picture during treatment.