Day 79. I have chosen to live intentionally toward the goals, dreams and desires God has placed on my heart for the last 90 days of 2019, pressing past fear, excuses and discomfort toward fullness of life. Goal: practicing presence.
Six years ago, I went for a walk on a rainy day. My sight was fading, doctors weren’t listening, and I was terrified. I took deep breaths, filling my lungs with crisp Fall air, devoting to memory the smell, feel and sights of technicolor foliage. I slowed and examined, memorizing each leaf and the intricate ways its veins were magnified beneath each rain drop. “Lord, if my sight goes, may I never forget the beauty of this.”
As I walked and took it all in, tears dripped from my chin. Is today the last day I will see my children’s’ faces? Is today the last day I will see this: sky, rain, grass, earth. How does one remember the color green? Its vibrancy and life? How many colors have I never noticed before? How many smiles and lines in my husband’s face have I taken for granted?
Today I hold this memory in my bones, the powerlessness, confusion, questions and fear. I acknowledge today, six years later, all the events of this week are still a part of me. I will be reflecting further on this throughout the week, but for today, I am present to myself and the needs of my own soul in the places and spaces of life that are beyond words.
ACTION STEPS: In caring for people as a spiritual life and leadership coach, I often encourage them to “Look for the life and listen for the loss.” In a culture that rushes the process of grief, we can quickly get into a pattern where we have accumulated tremendous losses without ever really mourning.
Take time to look at your life. Jot down where you have/are experiencing loss. Take note, have you mourned that loss? Are you still mourning? Then, take a moment to jot down what is currently bringing you life. If your list of losses greatly outweighs your list of that which is bringing you life, you may feel exhausted or find yourself in need of some additional self-care/soul care. For now, simply take note of loss you are/have experienced and life-giving aspects of your life. Take time to pray about what you find.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)
*We’ll be exploring these themes further this week.
Each year as the leaves change, I remember this season. I pause, observe the leaves and the colors and take in their beauty. It reminds me of God’s presence with me even in the valleys of life.